Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Jon’s proposal. I’m
not even shitting you.
That’s an inside joke to those who knew of Jon’s out of the
ordinary proposal!
The day brought back so many memories, all of them good
ones. I could feel the emotion of that night like it was yesterday. The shock
when I watched him get down on one knee almost flashing everyone within eye
shot because he was wearing a kilt. The hesitation because I couldn’t believe
he was actually asking. The excitement that followed and draining both of our
cell phone batteries calling everyone we knew. Verifying to the family the next
day that, yes, we got engaged. Shopping for my ring because his sister said it
was absolutely unacceptable that I didn’t get one (even though I didn’t care
for one.) I could remember the smell in the air on Baltimore Harbor. I could
remember the way the breeze felt, the way his lips felt when we shared our
first kiss as an engaged couple. These memories were all so fresh and close to
my mind that for a moment, I thought Jon would come walking out of the bedroom
in that kilt and an overgrown and worn t-shirt.
It doesn’t take the anniversary of something important to
remember things so vividly. All of the love we shared in our years together is
still very much there and it hasn’t faded in the slightest. But each and every
day, I get more and more antsy to have those feelings again. I don’t
necessarily want to move on – I don’t think I ever really will – but I find
myself day dreaming about that amazing feeling that washes over you when you
kiss someone for the first time. I find myself caring what I look like when I
go out and more, wanting to go out more often. I find myself slipping into this
mindset that I want to go on with my life the way Jon told me I needed to.
It’s only been two months and I don’t know if those feelings
are appropriate or not. I’ve been told we all move at our own pace and what is
normal for one person may not be for me. This is meant as a reassurance that if
someone asks me out on a date, it’s ok if I say yes. Maybe that’s true, but it’s
still a conflicting urge that is difficult to describe. How can you love
someone so much, but hope to meet someone else? And is it even real to want to
meet someone else or is it a desperate search for a distraction? Maybe a little
of both? How do you know what is real or not; what is healthy or unhealthy?
When I’m out and about in the world whether it’s work
related or personal, I used to groan over any positive attention I got from
men. It seemed so presumptuous of these people to make comments about the way I
looked or spoke or well, whatever. The compliments were unwelcomed unless they
came from Jon. Now, I am flattered by even the most vulgar of comments. If
someone had shouted, “hey baby” at me two months ago, I would have rolled my
eyes and possibly thrown up in my mouth a little bit. I might have even made a
snide comment back. Now, I blush, grin and keep walking because what the hell
else do you do? Then, heaven forbid someone say something genuine, I turn into
a ball of muddled words and trip all over myself like a school girl. This is
not who I am.
I’ve dated before. I’ve been single. Before Jon, I would
have described myself as a girl who played it cool. I wouldn’t have been
tripped up by an attractive guy having a reasonable conversation with me. So
why now am I suddenly unable to communicate without sounding like an idiot?
Then there are movies. You’d be hard pressed to find many
films that don’t contain some form of love story. Comedies have them. Tragedies
too. Drama, of course. Science Fiction even. Television shows have romances.
And what they all tend to have in common is a completely unrealistic depiction
of what actually happens in real life. But yet I watch these plots unfold, no
matter how big or small, and I get starry eyed and filled with a sense of
longing. Jon and I had a romance that was made for a movie. So, I know it
exists. Now I want it back and since I can’t have him back, it’s left me
searching other avenues.
I doubt very seriously anything will happen for me anytime
soon because as much as I think about these things, I still have built
something of a wall around myself. And, of course, I’m 24/7 mom so I don’t
really even have time for that part of my life anyway. I don’t even want
something serious, just someone to spend time with every once and a while. I
suspect that if an opportunity were to present itself to me, I’d probably take
it and I don’t know how I feel about that.
I worry, perhaps too much, what people would think. Jon’s
friends. My friends. Jon’s family. Would it make it seem like I somehow loved
Jon less to open that door? I know in my heart that’s not what it means. I know
Jon would understand. But what would they all think. I guess it shouldn’t
matter, but it does to me. I don’t want to feel like I have to explain myself
to anyone, but I would inevitably feel like I did.
In the meantime, I guess I’ll just keep living precariously through
fake lives on television.