Friday, September 6, 2013

A letter to my beloved

Every day that goes by there are things that I want to tell you. I want to tell you when I’m sad, tell you when I’m mad and most of all tell you when I’m happy. I’ve had so much of all of the above this week. I tell you, but I wonder if you hear. And I know you can’t answer.

Some nights I roll over in the middle of the night, not quite asleep, but not quite awake and for a split second you are there. That instant feels so good. But then it goes away and I’m left with a longing I can’t describe. Some days when I pull up in the driveway and see your car I think for an instant that I will walk through the door to find you playing video games in the living room and all will be right with the world, but you’re not there. I talk to you, but you don’t answer. I call for you, but you don’t come. I do things I know would make you proud, but you don’t tell me.

I’m struggling every day to make right of this wrong. I ask myself what you would want. We share your stories and we remember you the way you deserve to be remembered, but do you really know we are doing it? Does it matter?

I can’t help but to think back on our lives. I remember all of the good and none of the bad. I realize more each and every day how blessed we were to have you. But then I remember all the times I ever got mad at you. At the time it seemed so significant, but now those times seem so unimportant. I used to get mad at you for not being “romantic” enough. On Valentine’s day you bought me flowers from a vendor who came straight to your door. That wasn’t enough for me. You didn’t have to try. On anniversaries you didn’t shower me with romantic gestures, but instead waited for an opportunity for adventure. But all I could think was, why didn’t you do something sooner? On my birthday you pampered me and took me on a surprise adventure, but you drank too much and I was mad.

I wish I could take away all those times I was displeased over what now seem so silly. All you ever wanted was to make me happy and I made that an impossible feat. And what I never told you, but suspect you knew, was that everything you did made me happy. I was doing the dishes last night after cooking the first meal I’ve cooked in our kitchen since you were taken from us, I felt you creep up behind me and wrap your arms around me. I felt you rocking me back and forth and whispering in my ear to stop for just a moment to share it with you instead. I remember when you would do that and I remember being almost annoyed – I had a job to do and you were interrupting it. What I wouldn’t give for you to interrupt every single job I ever have again! I come home some days tired and stressed and I remember you wrapping your arms around me, shh-ing me. So many days you insisted that we have that moment and it was so calming. I wonder if I will ever have anything to calm me the way that only you could ever again. I rock in bed at night imagining you behind me moving in rhythm. You’re not there, but I can feel you so strongly in my imagination that you might as well be.

Baby, if you were here, I would tell you I loved you with all that I have to give. I would tell you that you were the best thing that ever happened to me. I know that I have said all of those things to you while you were here and I know that you already knew, but I would tell you again anyway. I’m so lost without you babe. I miss you more than words could ever describe. But you left a mark on our lives that could never be erased. Everyone you ever touched is better for it, especially the girls and I. They miss you so much honey. Lexi has a hard time concentrating at school. Lilli is acting out and Zoe just doesn’t really talk. I don’t think you knew how much they loved you.

I bought a new couch today. You would like it. I used to give you crap about feeling like I live in a dorm room. Well, our living room finally feels like a living room! And babe, you would be so proud of me. I attempted to do it all by myself. That’s not what would make you proud. When I realized I was in over my head after getting the shitty futon stuck in the doorway, I called my dad for help. Then when I had to lug the first piece of the couch out of the van and almost killed myself in the process, I called him back again. But after he helped get it in the house, I did everything else on my own. I figuratively knocked down walls the way you said I always did.

I miss you so much, Jon. I love you more than words can describe. I always will. Come to me in my dreams tonight baby, I’d love to see you. Infinity plus one baby. Forever.