Monday, September 23, 2013

Conflicting emotions

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Jon’s proposal. I’m not even shitting you.

That’s an inside joke to those who knew of Jon’s out of the ordinary proposal!

The day brought back so many memories, all of them good ones. I could feel the emotion of that night like it was yesterday. The shock when I watched him get down on one knee almost flashing everyone within eye shot because he was wearing a kilt. The hesitation because I couldn’t believe he was actually asking. The excitement that followed and draining both of our cell phone batteries calling everyone we knew. Verifying to the family the next day that, yes, we got engaged. Shopping for my ring because his sister said it was absolutely unacceptable that I didn’t get one (even though I didn’t care for one.) I could remember the smell in the air on Baltimore Harbor. I could remember the way the breeze felt, the way his lips felt when we shared our first kiss as an engaged couple. These memories were all so fresh and close to my mind that for a moment, I thought Jon would come walking out of the bedroom in that kilt and an overgrown and worn t-shirt.

It doesn’t take the anniversary of something important to remember things so vividly. All of the love we shared in our years together is still very much there and it hasn’t faded in the slightest. But each and every day, I get more and more antsy to have those feelings again. I don’t necessarily want to move on – I don’t think I ever really will – but I find myself day dreaming about that amazing feeling that washes over you when you kiss someone for the first time. I find myself caring what I look like when I go out and more, wanting to go out more often. I find myself slipping into this mindset that I want to go on with my life the way Jon told me I needed to.

It’s only been two months and I don’t know if those feelings are appropriate or not. I’ve been told we all move at our own pace and what is normal for one person may not be for me. This is meant as a reassurance that if someone asks me out on a date, it’s ok if I say yes. Maybe that’s true, but it’s still a conflicting urge that is difficult to describe. How can you love someone so much, but hope to meet someone else? And is it even real to want to meet someone else or is it a desperate search for a distraction? Maybe a little of both? How do you know what is real or not; what is healthy or unhealthy?

When I’m out and about in the world whether it’s work related or personal, I used to groan over any positive attention I got from men. It seemed so presumptuous of these people to make comments about the way I looked or spoke or well, whatever. The compliments were unwelcomed unless they came from Jon. Now, I am flattered by even the most vulgar of comments. If someone had shouted, “hey baby” at me two months ago, I would have rolled my eyes and possibly thrown up in my mouth a little bit. I might have even made a snide comment back. Now, I blush, grin and keep walking because what the hell else do you do? Then, heaven forbid someone say something genuine, I turn into a ball of muddled words and trip all over myself like a school girl. This is not who I am.

I’ve dated before. I’ve been single. Before Jon, I would have described myself as a girl who played it cool. I wouldn’t have been tripped up by an attractive guy having a reasonable conversation with me. So why now am I suddenly unable to communicate without sounding like an idiot?

Then there are movies. You’d be hard pressed to find many films that don’t contain some form of love story. Comedies have them. Tragedies too. Drama, of course. Science Fiction even. Television shows have romances. And what they all tend to have in common is a completely unrealistic depiction of what actually happens in real life. But yet I watch these plots unfold, no matter how big or small, and I get starry eyed and filled with a sense of longing. Jon and I had a romance that was made for a movie. So, I know it exists. Now I want it back and since I can’t have him back, it’s left me searching other avenues.

I doubt very seriously anything will happen for me anytime soon because as much as I think about these things, I still have built something of a wall around myself. And, of course, I’m 24/7 mom so I don’t really even have time for that part of my life anyway. I don’t even want something serious, just someone to spend time with every once and a while. I suspect that if an opportunity were to present itself to me, I’d probably take it and I don’t know how I feel about that.

I worry, perhaps too much, what people would think. Jon’s friends. My friends. Jon’s family. Would it make it seem like I somehow loved Jon less to open that door? I know in my heart that’s not what it means. I know Jon would understand. But what would they all think. I guess it shouldn’t matter, but it does to me. I don’t want to feel like I have to explain myself to anyone, but I would inevitably feel like I did.
In the meantime, I guess I’ll just keep living precariously through fake lives on television.